At some point in a woman's life, she will worry about how she looks. Whether it's her hair, skin, body weight, a wobbly bit she remains conscious of forever... She will worry about something at some point.
This worry may only last a short while or the rest of her life. It may haunt her and mean a conscious effort when buying anything in the hopes that the product/s will address or hide the issue. Worried about "bad" skin? Make up will be bought. Worried about frizzy hair? Anti-Frizz products will be bought. The list is endless.
It is all just so damned annoying and superficial - WHY do we worry? Why should we? Is beauty not skin deep? In the eye of the beholder? All that jazz?
2012, I have vowed to rid myself of this stress (which frankly, considering what else there is to worry about, none of us need something as ridiculous as this) and this begins with "getting it off my chest".
So here goes...
This is my story...
Growing up (before sixth form), I was never the prettiest or popular girl at school. I wasn't really into make up til late on (and even then it was only to cover spots, not the full face of slap that the others insisted on doing only eventually I got it into my head that I had to wear make up to look good).
I got bullied for various things, usually snide comments about how I looked so I never felt good about myself growing up.
Yet I still believed what the bullies said. At the time, and for years after, it affected me: always making me self conscious of how I looked, becoming even obsessive about the fact that I had to look the best I possibly could, any flaws and I went to pieces. Even when I started to get more compliments compared to snide remarks, I didn't believe them. Thinking they were like the bullies had been - making fake compliments when the opposite was meant instead. Even now, I know it was bullying and to be ignored and nearly a decade after it stopped, I'm still haunted by the idea that I'm being judged constantly when I'm amongst people.
At a time when I was growing up and learning who I was, to be told "not good enough" every 5 minutes tends to sink in very deep. As they say - emotional/mental scars can often be the worse.
So once that time was over, along came Sixth Form. All these bully types suddenly vanished (clearly there is benefit to putting more effort into your school work than your looks!) so I found myself surrounded more by friends and the "nice people" and none of these nasty ones. Suddenly I wasn't being bullied any more. Huge shock to the system that one!
I was settling into finding out who I was and was receiving compliments. These compliments were at least real ones, yet did I acknowledge them? Did I 'eck. They were swiftly ignored for fear they were the fake ones received for years earlier. Or acknowledged and just not believed.
But, for some reason, I then started developing body image issues. I'd never actually had issues with my body before - either not caring or not noticing. How I miss those days! I think it may have started because a friend at the time was having issues - to the point where everything was calorie counted and she was under weight. I wouldn't say totally anorexic, but still scarily close. It started to sink in that she was slimmer than me now and thought she was too fat, yet there was me. I wasn't fat, or was I? I think it was then that I started to think about my body and all my wobbly bits and anything I didn't like (wobbly or not!). So I would then be worried about what I wore so that I could try to look OK.
After Sixth Form, when I started work for the first time, all my old worries reared their ugly heads (the irony) but they soon calmed back down again. My goal to be smart and look good was a tad extreme though, any flaw and I panicked, but I was slowly relaxing. I think the turning point for that was a few years after work when I became really ill for about a week. Still unsure what it was, I suspect food poisoning (or something of that ilk) so I had all the symptoms typical of that and I ended up losing half a stone. In a week. Now at first, I was actually pleased at this weight loos. But it very quickly turned into an uncomfortable feeling of being that skinny. I am a healthy, slim weight and always have been, so to go from healthy to being on the cusp of healthy/unhealthy was a bit scary. It didn't feel right. I soon got over the novelty and then realised, actually, this wasn't healthy and I didn't feel remotely good about my body being that skinny. That did help to change my attitude a lot. But then again the worries were still there and various things would hit me and make me worry again.
I hate feeling like this about myself, and, although I'm a lot better than I was, I want to rid myself of it even more. I have grown out of some of my worries, either acknowledging them and moving on or probably bottling some up. But this year I want to deal with it all and get rid of it.
I no doubt wind everyone up that I know with my apologising for how I look, I can't help it. But, I am slowly but surely relaxing and accepting how I look and that in turn is building up my Self-Esteem.
The biggest turning point in my viewpoint of myself has been by a special someone entering my life. Liking me for who and what I am, still thinking I look good and that I shouldn't be stressing about how I look.
I'm sure it annoys him with my constant worries about how I look and it annoys me so I want to change all that this year.
So, that's my story of how my insecurities seemed to begin.
I know many other women have had school issues or later in life issues causing their insecurities about how they look. None of us should worry.
We are but only human. We are all different - shapes and sizes. Not everyone thinks the same size/shape is beautiful. One person's view is totally different from another. No one on Earth should be worrying about how they look. I hope many other women out there can try the same as me this year.
It is a time for change. Bring it on 2012!!
Kip xxx
